What If You’re Not Falling Apart? (You’re Just Full of Parts.)

A few months ago, I was sitting in my car in a grocery store parking lot, finishing a handful of pretzels that definitely were meant to be a snack not a situation. I was tired. Not the “didn’t-sleep-well” kind of tired, but the “I’ve-been-carrying-everything-for-too-long” kind.

You know that kind of tired.

I had just finished a conversation that didn’t go the way I hoped. Nothing dramatic — just one of those moments where words get tangled, feelings get loud, and suddenly I was fourteen again, explaining myself with the kind of urgency that only old wounds can pull out of us.

Sitting there in my parked car, I felt all these different reactions rising at once. A part of me was angry. Another part wanted to disappear. Another part was already preparing a spreadsheet of how to “fix” everything. It was loud in there.

And in that moment, something quiet in me whispered: Oh. Everyone’s here.

The whole inner crowd.The protector, the pleaser, the exhausted one, the girl who still wants to be understood.

It was like they had all rushed forward, trying to help.

That was the moment I remembered the framework from Internal Family Systems — a model created by Dick Schwartz that says we are made of many “parts,” and every part of us is trying to take care of us the best way it knows how.

Not one of those parts was the enemy. Not one of them was broken. Not one of them needed to be shut down or silenced.

They just needed someone to lead.

And deep beneath all of that noise — there is a part of us that knows how.

IFS calls that part the Self.

The Self doesn’t shout. It doesn’t panic. It doesn’t shame.

The Self waits. It watches. It says, “Let’s slow down. Let’s listen. We don’t have to rush.”

When we’re able to lead from the Self, we show up with qualities that feel like home: calm, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. These don’t come from trying harder — they come from letting our nervous system and our parts settle enough that the Self can step forward.

Does that mean we live from the Self all the time? No. Absolutely not. We lose touch with it daily. Hourly. Sometimes moment by moment.

And that’s okay.

The work isn’t to stay in Self all the time. The work is to notice when we’ve left and gently return.

But returning takes something — a kind of posture. IFS teachers sometimes describe these as five ways of being with ourselves: patience, presence, playfulness, persistence, and perspective.

To me, these don’t feel like instructions.They feel like grace.

Patience says: You don’t have to get over this quickly. Presence says: You can stay with yourself here. Playfulness says: You can soften your grip. You don’t have to be perfect. Persistence says: You get to try again tomorrow.Perspective says: This moment is not the whole story.

So back to the car.

I took a breath — not a dramatic yoga breath. More like the kind that just proves you’re still alive. And I tried something small. I didn’t lecture myself. I didn’t force a reframe. I just asked:

“Which part of me is hurting right now?”

Not: “What’s wrong with me?” Not: “Why am I still like this?”Not: “Why can’t I handle this better?”

Just: Who needs me right now?

And I swear to you, something softened. Not everything. Not all at once. But enough.

Enough to drive home. Enough to drink water. Enough to not make the moment bigger than it already was.

That’s what coming home to the Self feels like.

Not fireworks. Not enlightenment. Just a gentle return to yourself in the middle of your very real, very messy, very human life.

We don’t heal by pushing our parts away.We heal by turning toward them with curiosity and compassion. And the Self — the steady, wise, deeply loving part of you — is already there, waiting.

So maybe today, just in one small moment, you try this:

The next time you feel the inner crowd rushing in, place a hand on your chest and say softly:

“I’m here. I’ll listen.”

That’s it. That’s the work. That’s the doorway home.

And you are already on your way.

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com