“She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?,' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.”― Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
When I fell in love with the most beautiful soul I’d ever known, I was over the moon. I felt the most intense joy I had ever experienced. I was happier than I knew was possible, and it was fairly easy. Too easy. I was positive, absolutely sure that something was going to happen to him tragically or our relationship would end and he would be lost to me forever. I had terrible unwanted intrusive thoughts of his untimely demise. I had compulsive needs to tell him to “be careful” when he left the house as if it was some type of armor against evil forces. I would be in an actual panic if I realized I did not tell him those two words and could not reach him by phone, It was ridiculous and I knew it. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me.
This feeling did not end with my husband. When I had my first son I was absolutely terrified that something tragic would happen to him and I’d lose him. I talked to my doctor and she assured me that some of that was normal postpartum emotional roller coaster thoughts, but I just knew I was losing it.
One day I was reading this incredible book called The Kite Runner. I came across the lines above and my heart stopped. “They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you”. OMG SOMEONE ELSE GETS IT! I felt heard and seen. That's exactly how I had felt for years! Someone else was unreasonably afraid of losing her joy!
But then it got even better. I was watching one of my personal heroes, Brene Brown, on Oprah‘s Super Soul Sunday in 2013. Brene used a term called Foreboding Joy. Foreboding means fearful apprehension; a feeling that something bad will happen. Well damn, that describes most of my life just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then she dropped this truth bomb:
“You know what’s tricky? As someone who studies shame and scarcity and fear, I will tell you that if you ask me, what is the most terrifying, difficult emotion we experience as humans, I would say joy. I often ask parents, I’ll have 5000 parents in the audience or something and I’ll say “raise your hand if you’ve ever stood over your child while he or she was sleeping and thought to yourself “I love you like I didn’t know was possible.” And then in that split second, picture something horrific happening to them. How many of you have ever sat up and said “work’s going good, a good relationship with my partner, parents seem to be doing ok…holy crap. Something bad’s gonna happen.” So what is that? Do you know what that is? When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding – “I’m not gonna feel you. I’m not gonna soften into this moment of joy. Because I’m scared its gonna be taken away. I’m scared the other shoe is gonna drop.” When we lose our tolerance to be vulnerable, joy becomes foreboding. So what we do in moments of joyfulness is we try to beat vulnerability to the punch.
I interviewed a man who told me “my whole life, I never got too excited, too joyful about anything. I just kind of stayed right in the middle. That way, if things didn’t work out, I wasn’t devastated. And if they did work out, it was a pleasant surprise. In his 60’s, he was in a car accident. His wife of 40 years was killed. And he said “the second I realized that she was gone, the first thing I thought was I should have leaned harder into those moments of joy. Because that did not protect me from what I feel right now.“
We’re trying to dress rehearse tragedy so we can beat vulnerability to the punch. So you know what happens? This is what the joyful people do. This is what I learned from them. In those moments where they are looking at their children, or their partner, or something great?…they get that shudder too. But you know what they do? They don’t say “ooo… there’s that shudder of terror about feeling something joyful. I’m gonna dress rehearse tragedy.” They say “I’m gonna practice gratitude. I am grateful, but gratitude is a practice. It is tangible. You can see it. It’s not an attitude of gratitude. It is a practice.”
We are trying to dress rehearse tragedy! I mean, who does that? Well, me. I do that. And apparently Brene Brown does that. And many women I know do that. I suspect many more who I don’t know do it too. It's like we are all Katherine Howard, 5th wife of Henry VIII of England, practicing laying out heads on the block so we get our beheading just right (true story, she actually did that the night before her execution). Also note, practicing did not prevent her execution.
So why do we do this? Brene Brown tells us that we are attempting to soften the blow should something tragic happen. Everyone has experienced pain, and when we really feel the pain of loss or vulnerability to loss, we wait for more.
So what do we do when we realize we are losing precious moments of joy by fearing the worst?
Stop the thought train.
The next time you're traumatized by "What ifs," say aloud, "I am feeling vulnerable." This step gives us a moment to realize what is happening in our heads while we are on autopilot. It allows us to look at the situation and use our critical thinking skills to assess the dangers and to challenge catastrophizing thinking traps.
Be thankful.
Joyous people are grateful people. Let's use the fear alarm in our heads as a reminder to feel grateful for at least 3 things or people or events. We can boost the effectiveness of this thought intervention by speaking our gratitude aloud to others or write it down.
Start a practice.
Brene Brown tells us she believes joy is a spiritual practice we have to work at. For me, that means appreciating everyday moments: a dinner with all of my children; having “enough” of what I need; when my 14-year-old still wants to hold my hand in public; when I get to walk my dog during a peaceful sunset; a stolen moment alone with my husband.
When we realize that we are feeling foreboding joy, we can name it and challenge it to remove the foreboding part and really feel joy. Practicing tragic outcomes does not prevent them or soften the blow if they do come. We cannot practice pain to avoid feeling it. There is no armor we can build that will protect us from the pain we may possibly feel, and when we try, it only prevents us from feeling the joy we do have today. It took a lot of practice for me to learn to identify and challenge my thoughts that lead to feelings of fear and dread, but I do a much better job now that I can name and understand the illogical thought traps I set for myself that were stealing my happiness. Try to begin your practice and allow joy without foreboding back into your life. You deserve it.
For more:
Watch video here
Read Book:
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
by Brené Brown
Images from The Shticks, Reaal Stick People. See whole amazing cartoon at https://theshticks.org/2013/10/31/the-angel/
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed mental health therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office.
Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more @ alexagtherapy.com
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