When Kids Lie: What’s Really Going On (and How to Keep Your Cool)

Let’s be honest: Few things make your stomach drop faster than catching your kid in a lie. It’s that sharp, sinking feeling — part anger, part heartbreak — and it’s almost universal among parents. If you’ve been there, you’re not alone.

But what if lying isn’t the disaster we fear it is? What if lying is actually telling us something — not about our kids’ character, and not about our failures as parents — but about what’s happening inside the relationship?

Today, let's dig into lying — what it actually means, why it rattles us so much, and how we can shift our response from fear to connection, from panic to purpose.

First, the Hard but Healing Truth: Lying Is Normal.

Yes, really. Lying is part of being human. We all do it. Little white lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Half-truths to dodge an awkward moment. Skimming over the truth because the whole story feels too risky to share.

If you’re thinking “Not me!”, well… that’s probably not totally true either. I know I had a huge period of time in late elementary and middle school where I told the most ridiculous tall tales complete fabrications in order to feel accepted, important, and fit in. Mostly I told lies to convince people I was cool enough to stay in a social group or impress adults in various ways. I bet my parents worried I'd grow up to be a pathalogocal liar, but I actually grew out of it as I learned to know myself, make friends who accepted me authentically, and gained the awareness that people don’t like liars. Plus I hated the way it made me feel.

The real question isn’t whether lying happens. It’s why.

Because here’s the truth that matters:

We lie when it doesn’t feel safe enough to tell the truth.

And "safe" doesn’t just mean physically safe. We’re talking about felt safety — emotional safety, relational safety...those wonderful side effects of feeling like you matter. Especially for kids who’ve experienced trauma, chronic stress, or who are wired a little differently, the stakes can feel unbearably high when it comes to telling the truth.

When the nervous system senses danger — rejection, humiliation, anger — lying becomes a survival skill.

Why Lying Feels So Personal (and Why It Isn’t)

When kids lie, it stirs up a lot inside us. Our brains go wild:

• “They think I’m stupid!”

• “They’re going to end up in jail!”

• “I’m a terrible parent!”

  
  

All those panicked thoughts? They’re rooted in fear — fear that the lie means something permanent and terrible about our child or about us. We hear terms like pathological or compulsive lying which sound really scary. But they are made up words to describe adults who lie out of habit about silly things (compulsive) or adults who have other mental health concerns using lying to cause harm (pathological.)

But if we take a breath and put on what Robyn Gobbel calls our X-ray vision goggles, we can see more clearly:

Lying isn’t a betrayal. It’s a signal: "I didn’t feel safe enough to tell the truth."

And here’s where Jennifer Wallace’s work offers something so important: Kids who don’t feel unconditionally valued — who sense that love, approval, or connection depend on being “good enough” — are far more likely to lie.

“When kids feel like their value depends on perfection, they will hide their mistakes — even through lying — to preserve their sense of belonging.” — Jennifer Wallace

If telling the truth risks losing connection or approval, the lie can feel safer.

What’s Underneath the Lie?

When we slow down and use our X-ray vision, here’s what we often find driving the lie:

• Avoiding shame or humiliation

• Protecting a fragile relationship

• Surviving the intensity of disappointment — theirs or ours

• Fearing rejection or punishment

• Trying to preserve belonging when it feels at risk

  
  

And we can add something else powerful here, from Zach Mercurio: Kids — all of us, really — have a deep, primal need to feel seen, needed, and valuable.

When that sense of belonging wobbles, lying becomes a way to patch it up, even if just for a moment.

“People don’t fear the truth when they know their presence matters more than their performance.” — Zach Mercurio

If we want less lying, we don’t just need stricter rules or bigger consequences. We need to build an environment where belonging isn't up for grabs.

Where kids know — no matter what — you are still loved, still wanted, still safe.

How to Respond When Your Kid Lies

Here’s the hard part: When you catch a lie, your body is probably flooded with anger, fear, sadness, or betrayal.

That’s normal. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a human being whose nervous system is wired for connection and truth.

But in that moment, your job isn’t to fix the lie. It’s to self-regulate and connect first.

If your child is already dysregulated — caught in fear, shame, or survival mode — they physically cannot access the part of their brain that thinks logically or empathically. Trying to “teach a lesson” right then will backfire.

Instead:

• Regulate yourself first (deep breath, unclench your fists, slow your voice).

• Offer co-regulation — your calm presence is their anchor.

• Reconnect before you correct — prioritize felt safety.

• Save the big conversation for later — once everyone’s thinking brains are back online.

  
  

Later, when the moment has passed and the connection is restored, then you can talk about truth, trust, and problem-solving.

From this perspective, our goal isn't to "eradicate lying" with discipline or consequence, but to co-create safety, increase relational trust, and help the child develop a new internal story: “I can be honest and still be safe, still be loved, still be connected.” That shift is what truly reduces lying in the long run — not fear, but safety.

And when you look beyond the behavior, remember: You're not just trying to "catch" lies. You're building the kind of relationship where the truth feels safe to tell.

The next time a lie shows up, grab your X-ray vision goggles, take a breath, and remind yourself: My child doesn’t need more fear. They need more felt safety. They need to know they matter, no matter what.

You’ve got this. And they’ve got you.

Want to read more? Check out the resources I used for this piece:

Neurodivergent Insights by Dr. Neff (Wonderful for understanding emotional safety, trauma, and behavioral responses from a neurodivergent perspective.)

"Felt Safety: The Missing Piece in Behavior Challenges"(Specifically explains how fear triggers "protective" behaviors like lying.)

"What Makes People Matter" – Zach Mercurio (Short, powerful — great for understanding the connection between mattering and honesty.)

Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—and What We Can Do About It

(Especially the chapters on "Mattering" — why kids perform, hide mistakes, or lie to protect their worth.)

Robyn Gobbel webinar on lying https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxQvlpjRNwI

Podcast episode Lying as a Trauma Driven Behavior https://robyngobbel.com/lying/

Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com