When Smart Kids Feel Stuck: How Perfectionism, Pressure, and Disconnection Are Hurting Gifted Children — And What Parents Can Do
- Alexa Griffith
- 6 days ago
- 4 min read
Giftedness isn’t immunity. Perfectionism isn’t ambition. And the truth is, being smart doesn’t mean being free from emotional struggle—in fact, it often makes it even harder.
In today’s high-stakes world, gifted kids are under tremendous pressure to perform, succeed, and make it look effortless. But behind those achievements, many of them are hurting quietly—caught in cycles of fear, shame, and perfectionism. I live and work in a community where excellence is expected in all areas. We have athletic teams that have been state champions for four decades straight. Can you imagine the pressure of not being the first team to lose the title in over 40 years? Parents hire private tutors and coaches to help their child be good enough to make a school sports team and travel teams. Academically, it is expected that high schoolers continue with higher education. From my chair, the pressure to be amazing is palpable.
If you’re parenting a high-ability child like I am, and you’ve ever thought, "Why are they so hard on themselves?" or"Why does every mistake feel like the end of the world?" you are not alone—and you’re not doing anything wrong.
Let’s talk about what’s happening underneath the surface and how you can help.
The Hidden Struggles of Gifted Kids
Gifted children aren’t just academically advanced. They are often emotionally intense, socially sensitive, and highly aware of expectations—both real and perceived. Their watchdog brain (fight/flight) or possum brain (shutdown) kicks into high gear when they feel a threat to their identity or connection, says therapist Robyn Gobbel.
That threat might be:
Making a mistake
Not meeting a parent or teacher’s expectations
Feeling "ordinary" instead of special
Their nervous system reads these as emotional emergencies. And that’s when you see procrastination, meltdowns, rigid thinking, or total withdrawal.
Giftedness doesn’t protect them from fear. It often amplifies it.
How Society Makes It Worse
Emily Sohn’s article Perfectionism and the High-Stakes Culture of Success explains that kids today are growing up in an environment where achievement is everything.
College admissions feel cutthroat.
Social media showcases curated success stories.
Adults (even well-meaning ones) emphasize grades, awards, and winning.
Perfectionism rates have exploded among young people over the last few decades—and it’s not a coincidence. Dr. Thomas Curran’s research shows that perfectionism is socially transmitted. Kids aren’t just born perfectionists. They absorb it from family expectations, school culture, peer competition, and society's relentless messaging that they are only as good as their last achievement.
Curran goes further: perfectionism isn’t a personal quirk—it’s a public health issue. It’s linked to rising rates of anxiety, depression, self-harm, and burnout among youth.
The Core Need: To Know They Matter
Jennifer Wallace, in her work on mattering, makes a crucial point: Children who believe they matter for who they are, not just what they accomplish, are far more resilient.
Mattering means:
Feeling valued for your intrinsic worth, not your achievements
Knowing you add value to others’ lives
Believing that your struggles don’t diminish your belonging
Without this sense of mattering, gifted kids often internalize the belief: "I am only lovable if I succeed."
This belief drives them into perfectionism, shame, and exhaustion.
What Perfectionism Looks Like in Gifted Kids
It’s not always obvious. Gifted kids struggling with perfectionism may:
Procrastinate or avoid starting projects
Meltdown over minor mistakes
Refuse to try anything they aren’t immediately good at
Hyperfocus on flaws and “failures”
Crave constant reassurance, yet never feel it’s enough
And if they’re twice-exceptional (gifted + neurodivergent), like autistic or ADHD kids, the perfectionism can be even more paralyzing because their executive function and sensory processing struggles make "perfection" literally impossible.
How Parents Can Help: Practical Strategies
You can’t fix perfectionism with logic or praise alone. But you can create the conditions for resilience, self-compassion, and connection.
Here’s how:
1. Model Imperfection
Let them see you make mistakes and recover. ("Oops, I forgot that meeting. It happens. I’ll reschedule.")
2. Praise Effort, Not Outcomes
Focus on the process: "I love how you kept going even when it got tricky."
3. Build Failure Tolerance
Create safe, playful opportunities for mistakes—bad art contests, silly spelling bees, trying new hobbies badly on purpose.
4. Soothe the Nervous System
When their watchdog or possum brain is activated, co-regulate. Breathe with them. Offer grounding touch. Normalize the fear response.
"Your brain is trying to keep you safe. Let's help it calm down together."
5. Center Mattering
Make it crystal clear: You matter because you exist, not because you succeed. Say it often. Show it in how you respond to both their wins and their struggles.
Need a Deeper Dive For More Support?
Books & Articles
The Drama of the Gifted Child – Alice Miller
Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children – Webb, Amend, et al.
When Gifted Kids Don’t Have All the Answers – Delisle & Galbraith
Never Enough – Jennifer Wallace
The Perfection Trap – Thomas Curran
SENG’s Article Library
YouTube & Podcasts
Social Media Communities
🌟 Final Thought
Gifted children are not machines. They are not projects to perfect or trophies to polish.
They are brilliant, sensitive, messy, beautiful humans who need exactly what we all need: To be loved. To feel safe. To know they matter.
Not because of what they do—But simply because they are.
You’ve got this. And you’re exactly the parent your child needs.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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