The holidays can be a joyful time, but they can also bring stress—especially during times when the world feels so divided. You might feel tension at family gatherings, discomfort in conversations, or even anxiety about the season itself. That’s okay! Stress is a normal reaction to these challenges, and you can manage it in healthy ways. Chances are you have experienced similar situations before, so you are not exactly freshly hatched. YOU CAN HANDLE THIS.
Polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, gives us tools to understand our body's stress response and how to find calm. Let’s explore what this means and how you can use it to navigate the holidays.
What Is Polyvagal Theory?
Polyvagal theory (Porges, 1994) explains how your nervous system reacts to the world around you. I teach my clients how empowering it is to know how your body responds during challenging situations so you have more awareness and control over your responses. Your body has a "vagal nerve" that connects your brain to your body, helping you feel safe or alerting you to danger. There are three main states:
Ventral Vagal State (Safety and Connection): When you're calm, grounded, and able to connect with others. With children, I use Robyn Gobbel’s language and call this the “Wise Owl” state. (Gobbel, 2023)
Sympathetic State (Fight or Flight): When you feel stressed, angry, or anxious. With children I use Robyn’s language and call it the “WatchDog” state. (Gobbel, 2023)
Dorsal Vagal State (Shutdown): When you feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or “numb.” With children I use Gobel’s language and call this the “Possum” state. (Gobble, 2023)
Your body moves between these states depending on how safe you feel. During the holidays, stress can push you out of the calm, connected state and into fight-or-flight or shutdown mode. The good news is you can learn to bring yourself back to a state of safety and connection.
Recognize Your State
The first step is to notice how you’re feeling. Are you tense or on edge? That might mean you’re in a sympathetic (fight-or-flight) state. Are you withdrawing or feeling stuck? That could be a dorsal vagal (shutdown) response.
Pay attention to your body’s signals. Is your heart racing? Are your muscles tight? Do you feel heavy or tired? These clues can help you understand what your nervous system is experiencing.
How to Handle Stress
Here are some polyvagal-informed tips to help you manage holiday stress:
1. Breathe to Stay Grounded
Deep, slow breaths can help calm your nervous system. Try breathing in for four counts, holding for four counts, and exhaling for six counts. Repeat at least 5 times or until you recognize relief. These breaths signal to your body that you’re safe.
2. Take Breaks When Needed
If a conversation or situation becomes too stressful, it’s okay to step away. Go for a walk, spend time with a pet, or find a quiet place to breathe and reset.
3. Focus on Co-Regulation
Co-regulation means calming yourself by connecting with others. Spending time with someone who makes you feel safe—whether that’s a loved one, friend, or even a therapist—can help bring you back to a ventral vagal state.
You can also use nonverbal cues like eye contact, a smile, or a gentle tone of voice to build connection with someone else. These small actions can help both of you feel calmer.
4. Set Boundaries
It’s okay to say “no” or limit your time at events that feel overwhelming. Protecting your energy helps you stay balanced.
5. Practice Gratitude and Joy
Finding moments of joy, even small ones, can help shift your nervous system. Whether it’s savoring a favorite holiday treat, listening to music, or spending time with someone you care about, focus on what feels good. Challenge yourself to find a set amount of positives (even if they are tiny.)
Navigating Divisiveness
Holidays can be tricky when people hold different views or opinions. To keep your nervous system regulated, try these strategies:
Stay Curious: Instead of jumping into an argument, try to understand where the other person is coming from. Be careful not to tell yourself stories in your head about what you think the other person believes.
Find Common Ground: Focus on shared values, like caring for family or enjoying holiday traditions. Find the good intent in their end goal. Many times the ultimate goal is your common ground, the differences lie in how to get there.
Know When to Exit: If a conversation feels too heated, it’s okay to politely change the subject or leave. I tell my clients, if they
need an excuse to leave, “diarrhea” works every time. It is the great uniter where NO ONE wants you to stay with diarrhea.
A Reminder for Self-Compassion
Remember, it’s normal to feel stressed during the holidays. Be kind to yourself. If you notice your nervous system getting stuck in fight-or-flight or shutdown, remind yourself that you can shift back to safety. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.
Closing Thoughts
The holidays are a time for connection, and that starts with connecting with yourself first. By recognizing your stress, using tools to regulate, and connecting with others who feel safe, you can navigate this season with more ease.
This year, give yourself the gift of self-care and connection. You’ve got this!
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing trauma-informed individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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