In Let’s Talk About Anger Part 1 I wrote about Volatile, Retaliatory, Judgemental, and Self Abusive Anger. Today I will explain four other types of anger so that we can have a better understanding of ourselves and empathy towards others as we all navigate our feelings. As we continue to grow its important to validate two things: 1) Anger is neither “good” nor “bad”. It is a natural feeling often rooted in fear. While the feelings are natural, how we express and process that feeling can have unwanted consequences. 2) Everyone feels anger. Just because they may not express it in recognizable ways doesn’t mean they don’t feel anger.
Overwhelmed Anger is a feeling that often occurs when someone feels hopeless and frustrated with a situation that is beyond their control. We all have coping skills we use day to day that are successful. But sometimes events surprise and overload our typical capacity to cope and we become overwhelmed. We take on too much, thus reducing our capacity to cope with stress and we become overwhelmed with anger. These situations lead to feelings that cause hopelessness, despair, and can trigger violent behavior and verbal abuse. Techniques to manage overwhelmed anger can include techniques to avoid “thought holes” like “extreemafying” and “leapfrogging” and “gigantifying”. It can help to learn to ask for help with responsibilities, Learning assertiveness training can help you know how and when to say “no”. Talking to a crisis counselor in these times can also be beneficial. You can learn more about “through holes” here: https://gozenanxietyrelief.tumblr.com/post/114521577456/8-common-thought-holes-how-to-avoid-them
Behavioral Anger is a type of anger that is usually identifiable as aggressive and expressed physically. If you feel behavioral anger you may throw objects, break possessions, cause destruction of property, or attack a person. Since behavioral anger can lead to violence, which has attachments to legal ramifications, a person who has this type of anger can end up with interpersonal and legal consequences. If you suffer from behavioral anger and are looking for healthy management techniques, practice self-soothing techniques when you are not angry so that when you are, you have the strong skills to use them well. Mindfulness can be helpful. Learning how to pause and create space for a thoughtful evaluation of the situation and challenging distorted thoughts can be helpful. The trauma-informed approach in therapy is helpful if the behavior is rooted in PTSD. Asking for help from professionals can be very beneficial to learning how to cope with behavioral anger.
Passive Aggressive Anger can be difficult to identify since the nature of this type of anger is to hide. Passive Aggressive Anger is an avoidant style and thrives on denial and indirect expression of the feelings. Typically, if someone has difficulty confronting their own emotions or expressing anger in a healthy way, they develop other ways to communicate their anger more indirectly. Passive aggressiveness often stems from one’s childhood experience with anger. If you witnessed explosive anger as a child, where a caregiver yelled or displayed physical aggression, you are likely to grow up terrified of the emotion—not just of seeing someone get angry, but of feeling anger, too. You may not even be aware of your own anger if this is your style. You may do everything possible to avoid confrontation, use sarcasm, or “just joke” about an issue where you have feelings. If you have been told you are passive-aggressive and want to look further into how to manage, look for a family systems (LMFT) therapist. Looking at shame and perfectionism can also help identify the causes of passive-aggressive anger. You can read more about that here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection
Assertive Anger is the type of anger expression considered to be the healthiest. Assertive anger expressions can use feelings of frustration and rage as a catalyst for positive change. According to Marcus Andrews (2020) “Rather than avoiding confrontation, internalizing anger, or resorting to verbal insults, and physical outburst, you express your anger in ways that create positive change in the world around you without causing distress or destruction.” This Assertive anger can help relationships to grow. It means thinking before you speak, being confident in how you say it, yet open and flexible to the ‘other side’. It means being patient, not raising your voice, communicating how you are feeling emotionally, and really trying to understand what others are feeling. When you deal with anger assertively, you demonstrate that you are mature and care about your relationships and yourself.
Remember that anger is neither a good nor bad emotion. It can be uncomfortable for some and energizing for others. Anger can be used well as short term fuel for motivation. Anger can drive you to make changes, address concerns, or make changes to protect your loved ones. Remember The Hulk has to be angry to use his superstrength to affect change. Bruce Banner uses his great intellect and genius in everyday life, but when he is angry he becomes The Hulk and uses his anger to create brut strength and display physical anger to affect change. But also remember The Hulk causes extensive unintended damage when he uses only physical anger. Anger can be corrosive if it is used long term. Poor anger management can lead to loss of friends, careers, marriages, and personal freedom. It’s important to look deep inside you and find which anger style you have and make sure you are using in a way that is beneficial and not harmful to yourself and loved ones.
Check back for Let’s Talk About Anger Part 3, which will be the last in the series. Parts 1 and 2 focused on anger styles. Part 3 will discuss The 5 ranges of anger expression. These scales help us understand how anger is translated into behaviors.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed mental health therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office.
Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more @alexagtherapy.com
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