Why You Freeze at Emails, Meetings, and “What’s for Dinner?”

-Adult PDA, nervous system overwhelm, and how to work with your brain—not against it

Have you ever thought, “I want to do the thing—I even like the thing—but the second someone expects me to do it, I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin”?

Welcome to the nervous system of someone with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—a lesser-known profile of neurodivergence that’s finally being recognized in adults. And spoiler: it’s not about being difficult or disorganized. It’s about your nervous system protecting you from what it thinks is a threat.

You’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’re wired for survival—and your brain is trying to keep you safe.

🧠 Why Your Brain Hits the Brakes

In PDA, the brain doesn’t interpret demands as neutral. It interprets them as a danger.

Polyvagal theory teaches us that the nervous system sorts everything into one of three states:

• Owl Brain – calm, connected, grounded

• Watchdog Brain – fight/flight mode

• Possum Brain – freeze/shutdown

  
  

For PDAers, even subtle expectations—like an email from your boss or your partner asking, “What’s the plan for the weekend?”—can launch you out of Owl Brain and straight into Watchdog or Possum mode.

The result? You freeze. You avoid. You lash out. You ghost. You lose words. And then comes the shame spiral.

But this isn’t about willpower. It’s your autonomic nervous system doing its job.

As PDA advocate Harry Thompson puts it:“PDA is not about avoidance—it’s about survival.”Your system isn’t sabotaging you—it’s trying to protect your sense of autonomy, which feels vital to your safety.

At Work: “Why Can’t I Just Reply?”

You might be brilliant, insightful, and creative—and still find yourself paralyzed by simple tasks.

Maybe it’s:

• A Google Doc you haven’t opened in a week

• A Slack message that makes your stomach flip

• A Zoom meeting you’d rather fake your own death than attend

This isn’t procrastination. It’s your nervous system sensing threats in loss of control, external pressure, or social expectations.

You’re not flakey. You’re over-activated.

Harry Thompson says it best:“PDAers need autonomy like they need air.”That’s why traditional workplaces—those with rigid structures, strict schedules, and top-down authority—can feel suffocating.Not because you don’t care, but because your system can’t function when choice is stripped away.

Many adults with PDA thrive in work settings that offer:

• Flexible deadlines

• Collaborative leadership

• A boss who invites rather than instructs

Anything less? Cue the shutdown.

In Relationships: “Why Do I Push Them Away?”

You want connection. But when someone gets close and there’s an unspoken demand—emotional, physical, or practical—you might suddenly feel trapped.

Your brain says:

“They need me too much.”“They’re expecting something.”“I’m about to lose myself.”

So you snap. You withdraw. You avoid the conversation. Then comes the guilt.

This doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means your nervous system is protecting your sense of self and agency, which feels non-negotiable for people with PDA wiring.

In Harry Thompson’s words, closeness can feel like a subtle form of control, even when it’s wrapped in love.That tension—between craving connection and fearing the demand of it—can be deeply confusing, both for PDAers and their partners.

What helps?

• Creating space to say no without guilt

• Co-developing routines and rhythms

• Knowing that connection doesn’t have to mean control

🛠 What Helps (That Isn’t Just “Try Harder”)

• Name the state: “I’m in watchdog mode right now. I’m not thinking clearly.”

• Reframe demands: Swap “I have to” for “I choose to” or “I get to.”

• Communicate openly: Let your partner or team know what helps (gentle tone, collaboration, space to process).

• Build co-regulation into your day: Walks, music, stimming, soft lighting—anything that brings you back to Owl Brain.

And maybe most importantly: stop calling yourself lazy.

You’re not unmotivated. You’re overwhelmed. And that matters.

🧡 You’re Not the Problem—The World Just Misunderstands You

You may have been labeled dramatic, difficult, disorganized, or defiant.

But here’s the truth: your body is trying to protect your autonomy, your safety, and your identity.

“You’re not broken,” Harry reminds us.“You’ve been protecting yourself.”

You don’t need to hustle your way out of PDA—you need support that respects how your brain works.

👋 Want More?

You’re not alone in this. I work with individuals, teens, and families who are learning to live and love with PDA, ADHD, and other neurodivergent profiles.

👉 Head to my website: Alexagtherapy.com to read more articles like this and explore therapy support that meets your nervous system where it’s at.

📚 Further Reading & Resources

• Harry Thompson – The PDA ParadoxA must-read from an adult PDAer offering insight with honesty, vulnerability, and humor.

• Kristy Forbes – inclusiveminds.com.auDeep dives into adult PDA, social hierarchies, masking, and autonomy trauma.

• Dr. Megan Neff (Neurodivergent Insights)Infographics and tools on demand avoidance, burnout, and RSD from a polyvagal-informed lens.

• The PDA Society (UK) – pdasociety.org.ukLived experience blogs, workplace advice, and downloadable tools for PDAers of all ages.

• Wenn Lawson – Autistic psychologist and speaker who offers academic and personal perspectives on PDA in adults and building autonomy-supportive systems.

  
  

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com