PDA...This Isn’t Defiance—It’s a Drive for Autonomy (And It’s Highly Misunderstood)

Parents struggling with chid — Defiance or Autonomy?

Let’s get one thing straight:If you—or your kid—regularly shut down, flip out, or break into full-on panic mode when asked to do something simple… you’re not being difficult.

You might have what neurodivergent psychologist Dr. Megan Neff calls a Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (PDA). Some still call it Pathological Demand Avoidance, but let’s be real: the word "pathological" is outdated and wrong. This isn’t about being broken. It’s about your nervous system protecting you like a boss.

What PDA Really Is (Hint: It’s Not Bad Behavior)

According to Dr. Neff, PDA is a nervous system-based response to a perceived loss of autonomy. Requests, even small ones, can trigger full-body panic. The brain says: “Uh-oh. You’re not in control. Time to fight, flee, freeze, or fawn.”

This isn’t conscious. It’s automatic. And that’s where polyvagal theory comes in—thank you, Robyn Gobbel, for helping us understand what’s really happening inside.

Understanding the Three Brains (from Robyn Gobbel)

When someone with PDA is asked to do something, their Owl Brain (the wise, thinking brain) often goes offline. Instead:

🐺 Watchdog Brain kicks in—cue the fight-or-flight response. You might yell, argue, resist, or try to regain control.
🦔 Possum Brain takes over—shutdown, collapse, avoidance, or straight-up disappearing (mentally or physically).

This isn’t drama. It’s survival.

What PDA Looks Like in Children

Dr. Cynthia Martin and the Child Mind Institute describe PDA kids as socially clever, anxious, and wildly creative—but easily overwhelmed by expectations.

Common signs include:

Meltdowns or shutdowns when told what to do
Extreme resistance to routine, even when they enjoy the activity
Controlling behavior during play
Sudden refusal to leave the house, get dressed, or go to school
Using distraction, negotiation, or humor to sidestep tasks
Big emotions when autonomy is threatened
High anxiety masked by “willfulness”

👀 Spoiler: It’s not defiance. It’s dysregulation.

What PDA Looks Like in Adults

If this sounds like your childhood, guess what? PDA doesn’t disappear at 18. It just morphs.

Adults with a PDA profile might:

Feel trapped by work tasks, emails, or expectations
Cancel plans last minute—even things they were excited about
Experience intense shame or anxiety after avoiding responsibilities
Struggle with “executive functioning” (starting, completing, or organizing tasks)
Get defensive or shut down in relationships when someone asks for something
Procrastinate until the pressure becomes unbearable

You’re not lazy. You’re not flakey. You’re not “too much.”You’re wired differently—and your system is working overtime to protect you.

So… What Helps?

Here’s what we know from Neff, Martin, Gobbel, and thousands of lived experiences:

🧠 Name It

Understanding your (or your child’s) PDA profile gives you language to explain what’s happening. Shame thrives in confusion. Clarity is power.

🧰 Lower the Demand

Shift from “Do this now” to “Would you like to…” or “What’s a good time for this?”Even self-talk matters. Replace “I have to do this” with “I choose to because…”

🛠 Build In Autonomy

Offer choices. Collaborate. Involve kids in decisions. Adults—reclaim control by breaking things into tiny, low-pressure chunks.

🧘🏽 Regulate the Nervous System

Before thinking can happen, the body needs to feel safe. Co-regulate with your child or build your own practices (movement, music, breath, even pausing for silence). Get that Owl Brain back online.

🧑‍⚕️ Seek Therapy (with a Polyvagal + Neurodivergent Lens)

Find someone who gets it—someone who understands PDA, trauma, and nervous system safety. This isn’t about fixing behavior. It’s about healing patterns and creating safety.

Final Word

If you've been told you're oppositional, difficult, lazy, or controlling—that story is flat-out wrong.

What you're actually doing is responding to your nervous system's SOS call. You're trying to feel safe, in control, and capable in a world that often feels threatening and overwhelming.

You (or your kid) aren’t broken. You just need tools that work with your wiring, not against it.

🔗 Resources & Support

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com