“People are hard to hate up close. Move in.”- Brené Brown
In my practice, I talk a LOT about gratitude. Sometimes I find myself in a state of mind where it is challenging to come up with something for which to express thanks. I keep a list of the old reliable things when they apply: health, family, a husband who I adore, children who keep me on my toes, the health of the family, secure housing, access to fresh food, etc. One thing that ALWAYS applies is my gratitude that I did not grow up in the digital age. Whew! I cannot express enough gratitude that my every mistake, goofy moment, poor judgment call is not recorded for the ages. No long-lasting digital photographs to be used against me, no lingering screenshot images of some stupid thing I said as a preteen. I have a whole history of embarrassing errors and I am so grateful for a lack of digital evidence of them.
I’m lucky that I have been forgiven for all of my transgressions. I cannot think of an act that I have not been forgiven for and I’ve made some pretty big mistakes. But man, we as a society suffer from a serious lack of grace these days making Cancel Culture a problematic issue. Cancel Culture is much like public shunning and shaming. Social media’s omnipresence only serves to broaden the pain. The anonymous features of social platforms allow even more distance between us and the target breeding unbridled hostility. It is easier to be outraged at a person when we are not in their physical presence. Social media makes it easier to erase the humanity of the target.
Cancel Culture is cruel, swift, unforgiving, and ubiquitous. It’s not just for high schoolers or Tic-Tok. We see canceling in religion, politics, TV personalities, corporations, and community groups. It's performative in nature and is steeped in revenge, power, sanctimony, and immaturity while dressed up as “honesty” and “purity” and “public service” or “justice.”
I am a big fan of natural consequences and accountability. But within those two responses is hope; the hope of learning, growing, and healing. Canceling a human being offers no room for self-improvement and no room for seeking or offering forgiveness or for them to make amends or offer reparations. Canceling is all shut-offs and shut-outs. There is no good work there; only a need to immediately manage distress and intolerance through action. We simply “throw the problem away” instead of dealing with the pain of betrayal or disappointment.
Are there times when we need to take breaks from people? Yes. Are there times when we need to completely cut off ties with people? Yes. Folks with questionable morals (homophobia, sexist, racist, violent or fraudulent, etc.) need to be managed with firm boundaries. We don’t want to spend money supporting entertainers who are criminals or vote for politicians who engage in fraud and the like. Boundaries against abusive or toxic people are healthy for you and necessary for your mental health. Those decisions are usually made between two or a few individuals and not public displays. They are not a group identity driven action. Those cut-offs are functional, not performative. Those protections are useful to keep us safe from harm.
Canceling actual real-life people commonly comes from a group identity when the target does not match up with their larger group identity. Also canceling someone can be used to strengthen large group identity when used to “other” the target - creating stronger ties with the folks left in the group. But at its heart, or lack thereof, Cancel Culture is NOT out to create safer or more authentic positive bonds. Cancel Culture is not interested in healing wounded hearts. It wants to destroy, not heal. It wants retribution for moral impurities, not forgiveness for flawed people or healing for injured folks. Most of what we see today just looks like group bullying.
The next time your social media circle calls for a canceling, check their motivations. Look at the target. Is there hope of redemption for that person? Have we spoken with that person to get their perspective or hear the mitigating circumstances? Is the target in need of assistance, a growth opportunity, mental health help, education, or a reality check? Are we in need of examining our own distress intolerance? Will jumping on a public drag heal the injured parties or provide any healing for yourself? Canceling won’t help to get those results. Canceling leads to isolation and despair and someone with nothing left to lose (see North Korea.) We can do better. Let’s really think before we engage in cut-offs and public shaming. Have some grace.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
#cancelculture #bullying #grace #gratitude #shame #vulnerablity #frienship #leanin #distressintolerance #windowoftolerance
Graphic by Eloise Magoncelli
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