The Cost of Disconnection: A Look at Netflix Adolescence Through the Lens of An Adolescent Therapist And Mother

When I meet with clients, a question I ask almost every person is “Who do you matter most to and how do you know?”  This lone question guides me in assessing how they view themselves, their attachments (current and past), and often what makes them feel valuable.  Mattering is receiving a lot of attention these days for a good reason.  Feeling seen, heard, valued, safe, and loved are essential parts of knowing ourselves and how we are “tied in” to this life. 

Netflix’s Adolescence is a haunting portrayal of modern teen life, capturing the intense pressure boys face to succeed while navigating a social landscape shaped by toxic masculinity and social media. The main character, Jamie, struggles under the weight of expectations—academic (he knows grades are important), athletic (key to making father proud), and social (to be a man and be attractive to females)—while searching for validation in all the wrong places. His journey highlights a crucial question: What if Jamie had known he mattered?

I have 3 boys of my own and one young girl.  Discussions about masculinity are common in my home.  We started early.  I have personally had to have multiple conversations about one particular fighter turned alpha male influencer and how his dating tips and views on women are dangerous. Adolescence addresses his influence by name.  I will not lie to you, given how domination and aggressiveness are admired in our current social landscape, these conversations are essential, and they are not easy.

The Pressure to Achieve and the Fear of Falling Short

Jennifer B. Wallace, in Never Enough, explores how today’s boys and young men are often measured by their achievements rather than their intrinsic worth. In a world where performance dictates identity, Jamie’s struggles mirror the reality of many teens who equate success with self-worth. The message is clear: You are only as good as your latest win. Jamie, like many boys, internalizes this, leaving him vulnerable to anxiety, depression, and burnout. If Jamie had grown up with a deep sense that he mattered beyond his accomplishments and social status, his resilience in the face of failure or rejection by Katie might have been stronger.

For teenage boys, achievement isn’t just about grades or sports—it’s also about social status, attractiveness, and relationships. The pressure to be considered desirable, to have a romantic partner, or to be perceived as "cool" is often just as intense as academic and athletic expectations. In adolescence, having a boyfriend or girlfriend can serve as a marker of status, reinforcing the idea that one’s worth is tied to external validation. Jamie’s struggle with dating reflects a deeper fear: If I’m not attractive or desirable, do I even matter? This belief is reinforced by social media, where likes, comments, and perceived lack of desirability create an additional layer of pressure.  His experience with social media shaped his perception that he was not desirable and, therefore he is not valuable.

Athletic achievement is another significant marker of masculinity. Boys are often taught, explicitly or implicitly, that strength, dominance, and physical ability are measures of their worth. Jamie, like many boys, likely feels that excelling in sports isn’t just about winning—it’s about proving himself as a man. If he falls short, his sense of self crumbles. The intersection of these pressures—athletic, social, and physical attraction—creates an environment where boys feel they are constantly being measured, and where their value feels conditional rather than inherent. Jamie does not achieve the athletic goals set by his father and experiences that as a disappointment to his father.

Connection as the Antidote to Toxic Masculinity

Robyn Gobel teaches that feeling safe, seen, and valued by caregivers is a protective factor against the harmful effects of external pressures. Jamie’s relationship with his parents is distant, filled with expectations but lacking warmth and connection. When boys feel emotionally disconnected at home, they are more likely to seek validation in unhealthy places—through peer approval, risky behaviors, or toxic online spaces that reinforce harmful ideas about masculinity. Lack of connection can lead to attachment issues as seen by Jamie's failed attempt to connect with Katie and his chaotic and desperate need for his psychologist to "like him."

If Jamie’s parents had been able to co-regulate with him—helping him process emotions rather than suppress them—he might have developed a stronger internal sense of worth. Gobel’s work reminds us that when parents prioritize connection over correction, children build resilience from the inside out.

Understanding the Nervous System: Jamie’s Fight for Self 

Lori Desautels’ work on applied educational neuroscience highlights how chronic stress and unresolved emotional pain manifest in a dysregulated nervous system. Jamie’s impulsivity, emotional outbursts, and retreat into isolation aren’t signs of defiance—they’re signs of a nervous system stuck in survival mode. If Jamie had been taught to recognize his body’s signals—when he was in fight, flight, or freeze—he might have had the tools to self-regulate rather than spiral into destructive choices.

What Parents Can Do: Lessons from Robyn Gobbel

If we want to protect our children from the pressures Jamie faces, we have to build their sense of intrinsic worth. Robyn Gobbel offers guiding principles for parents:

• Prioritize Connection: Kids need to feel deeply known and loved, even when they fail. Being deeply known and valued cannot happen on social media. Jamie only had one friend who he felt really knew him. 

• Validate Emotions: Instead of dismissing struggles as "not a big deal," acknowledge their feelings.  Teens believe that social media is part of their survival.  Even if we know differently as adults with fully developed frontal lobes and years of perspective, we cannot minimize their perceived connection with it as they develop.

• Model Emotional Regulation: When parents co-regulate, children learn to regulate themselves. You must be present and trusted.

• Encourage Play and Rest: Achievement doesn’t define a child—play, creativity, and relationships do.

  
  

Final Thoughts

Jamie’s story is a cautionary tale, but it doesn’t have to be a universal one. If we shift the focus from self-esteem based on achievement to mattering, from pressure to connection, and from control to co-regulation, we can raise boys who are not just successful but emotionally whole. Connection requires time and intent. We hear Lt. Bascomb tell his co-worker that his conversation with his son at the school was the most he had spoken to his son in weeks. That's not a connection. Jamie's mom said she would see Jamie's light on at 1:00 and she'd just knock on the door and tell him to go to sleep with no communication about what was keeping him up. Teen boys are not famous for coming to their parents. You have to go to them.

To be clear, Jamie did not resort to violence because of his parents, Katie’s rejection, his peers, or social media alone. The question isn’t whether our children will face pressure—the world ensures they will. The real question is whether they will have the resilience to withstand it. And that starts with knowing, without question, that they matter.

*Note this analysis does not address many aspects of concern in the film such as Katie’s character development, her story of pressure to be attractive, the dangers women face in rejecting men, young women grappling with the nuance of body acceptance, and her sexual nature, or coping with toxic young men. It does not address the dangers of “bro code” and keeping secrets or how boys are tricked into believing the alpha male or chump dichotomy or incel culture. It also does not cover generational trauma shown in the character of the father or the collective trauma of the community.  It does not address bullying, flaws in educational systems, and juvenile justice systems.  I also acknowledge but do not include the story of Dr Arison’s character here.  I believe those parts of the story deserve their own analysis and are just as important to discuss.

Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com