Sometimes the unimaginable suddenly becomes very real. Grief isn’t just for grown-ups. Children grieve, too, though it often looks different from what we expect. If you’ve ever been caught off guard by a child crying about a loss that happened months—or even years—ago, or if you’ve seen them go from deep sadness to playtime in a matter of minutes, you’re not alone. Children grieve in bursts. Their hearts can’t hold all the big feelings at once, so they let them out in small doses, often at unexpected times. As parents and caregivers, understanding these waves of grief can help us show up in ways that make children feel safe and supported.
Grief at Different Ages
Just as children grow and change, their understanding of loss and grief evolves, too. Here’s what to expect at different developmental stages:
Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2-5):
Little ones don’t fully understand the permanence of loss. They may ask the same questions over and over: “When is Grandma coming back?” or “Where did our dog go?” This isn’t because they weren’t listening—it’s because they are still learning what “gone” really means. They might express grief through changes in behavior, like being more clingy, having trouble sleeping, or acting out. Play is how they process big emotions, so you might notice themes of loss in their imaginary games.
Elementary-Age Children (Ages 6-12):
At this stage, kids start to grasp that death is permanent, but they might struggle with big feelings of fear and sadness. Some may ask deep, almost philosophical questions, while others may avoid talking about it altogether. Grief can show up as anger, difficulty concentrating in school, stomach aches, or sudden emotional outbursts. They may seem fine one moment and devastated the next, which is completely normal.
Teenagers (Ages 13-18):
Teens are capable of understanding loss much like adults do, but their grief can be complicated by their search for independence. Some teens will want to talk, while others may withdraw, not wanting to feel “different” from their friends. They might struggle with big emotions like guilt, anger, or anxiety, and some may take risks or engage in reckless behavior as a way of coping. Be patient and let them know you’re there, even if they don’t always act like they want support.
Collective Grief and Community Loss
Sometimes, grief isn’t just personal—it’s shared. When a student at their school, a community member, or even a public figure dies, children and teens may grieve even if they didn’t know the person closely. This kind of collective grief can be confusing. They might wonder why they feel sad for someone they barely knew or why everyone around them seems affected. Younger children may mirror the emotions of those around them, while older kids and teens may feel a sense of unease, injustice, or even fear about their own mortality.
Support them by validating their feelings, creating space for conversation, and helping them find meaningful ways to process the loss—such as attending a vigil, writing a letter, or simply talking about the impact the person had on their community. Remind them that grief isn’t just about personal relationships—it’s also about the way we experience loss as a group, and it’s okay to feel deeply about a shared tragedy.
Being a Good Listener in Times of Grief
One of the greatest gifts we can offer grieving children is our presence. You don’t need to have the perfect words or profound wisdom—you just need to be there. Here are a few ways to be a supportive listener:
- Follow their lead. Let them decide when and how they want to talk about their grief. Some kids will open up during car rides or bedtime. Others will express themselves through drawing, music, or play.
- Validate their feeling. Saying “I can see how much you miss Grandpa” is more comforting than “Don’t cry” or “Be strong.” Let them feel what they feel.
- Answer questions honestly. Use clear, simple language. It’s okay to say, “I don’t know” if they ask a tough question. Honesty builds trust.
- Offer physical comfort. Hugs, snuggles, and sitting close can be incredibly reassuring, especially for younger children.
- Resist the urge to fix it. Grief isn’t a problem to be solved. It’s a process to be supported. Just listening without trying to cheer them up or distract them can be healing.
Honoring a Child’s Grief
It can be easy to overlook or underestimate a child’s grief. Their tears don’t last as long, their sadness seems to come and go, and they may not always have the words to express what they feel. But their grief is real, and they need space to process it, just like adults do. When we honor their loss—whether it’s the death of a loved one, a pet, or even a big life change like a move or divorce—we show them that their feelings matter.
Grieving children need connection more than they need perfect explanations. They need safe spaces to feel sad, confused, and even angry. And most of all, they need to know that they are not alone in their loss.
As Mr. Rogers often reminded us, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” If we create a world where children can talk about their grief, we help them grow into adults who know how to carry loss with love and resilience. And that is a gift that lasts a lifetime.
So, if your child brings up their grief today, pause. Listen. Let them share. You don’t have to have all the answers—you just have to be there.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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