Grief is a tough subject to tackle with kids, and physical distancing makes it even more challenging. It's easy to become anxious when you have to tell a child that their loved one is dying. Given the global health crisis of Covid-19, how do we support our younger family and friends when a friend or family member is dying? While there is no rulebook on how to discuss death and dying that meets every person’s needs, here are some helpful guideposts that can assist the process.
You may be looking for the perfect way to deliver the sad news, but you may not have the time to craft a perfect message. What really matters is that the child feels included in the process by helping make decisions as a family so they can determine what role they feel comfortable playing. I know these talks are painful, and holding that space with your child shows that you can have difficult conversations; it allows you the opportunity to build trust and model grieving.
When you are ready to talk, make sure you use real words to describe what is happening with your dying family member. As difficult as it may seem, it's important that you use the words “dying” and “dead”. When we use softer phrases like “not improving” or “very sick” it can be confusing and scary. That’s because when a child becomes sick with a cold, or mom doesn't feel well due to a stomach bug, the child could become afraid that they too will die. Use medically accurate language to talk about their loved one, but in ways that are clear and developmentally appropriate. Younger children will need fewer details than teens. And remember, it's ok not having all the answers. Lack of knowing exact details can be another part of the family processing.
I mentioned above that it's important to keep the kids involved in planning and processing as they feel ready. When you tell a young person that someone they love is dying, they may choose to say goodbye or have closure in some way. Right now while physical distance is a must, there are still ways for a child to do some connection with the dying family member and closure work. Kids can write letters, make mixtapes or playlists, video themselves leaving messages or recalling memories, send lovies, or photographs to their loved one. To create connections with other loving family members, you can build an on-line memory tribute pages and photo albums. In your home, you can create a safe physical space for grieving and memorializing the loved one. All of these activities can be done while physical distancing.
After you have told your young person about the likely death of their loved one or friend, ask the child to identify someone they can always talk to. It's good to identify several trusted people in case you are busy with funeral planning or the business end of sorting out responsibilities of caring for a dying loved one. Also, it's important to reassure the child that there is no right or wrong way to feel about death. Everyone grieves in their own time and own way. Be a good listener without interrupting or explaining away fears and feelings. When we truly listen, children usually communicate what they really need. Lastly, it is beneficial to tell the child that even though they may be sad, it's still ok to have fun and be happy. Feelings of sadness may come and go and it's still important to take care of themselves and live their best life, even though sometimes they may miss their loved one.
Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you notice your child feeling more than sad, please reach out to your therapist or a grief support group. I am happy to connect you if you need direction. Stay safe and healthy.
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