When Kids Don’t “Know Their Place”: Reframing PDA Through a Therapist’s Lens

As a trauma-informed therapist who works with families, I can tell you this: when a child with a PDA profile walks into the room, it doesn’t take long before the adults around them start using words like defiant, controlling, manipulative, or the classic: disrespectful.

And look, I get it. I truly do. These kids can leave even the most seasoned, gentle, attachment-focused parent (or therapist) standing there, blinking, mouth open, wondering:

“What just happened? Why is this child talking to me like I’m their peer? Don’t they realize I’m the adult?”

Nope. Actually… they don’t.

And here’s where we need to pause, take a breath, and radically shift our lens.

What Is PDA—Really?

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile of autism where demands—any demands—can trigger intense anxiety and a need to escape, avoid, or resist. Like I wrote about last week on the blog, this isn’t about being difficult for the sake of it. It’s about a nervous system on high alert, interpreting even the most neutral request as a loss of control.

This is where Robyn Gobbel’s polyvagal-informed language is a game-changer. PDAers aren’t being dramatic or oppositional—they’re living in a story their nervous system is telling them.

And that story often sounds like:

🧠 “I’m not safe.”

🧠 “I’m going to be overpowered.”

🧠 “If I lose my autonomy, something bad will happen.”

From a polyvagal perspective, a PDAer’s nervous system isn’t living in owl brain, or their “green pathway” (ventral vagal—the place of connection, curiosity, and regulation). Instead, they may drop into the sympathetic state (watchdog brain or fight/flight) or even dorsal vagal shutdown (possum brain or collapse/withdrawal) the moment they sense a demand.

That request to put on shoes? It’s not just a task. It’s a trigger. That gentle prompt to say “thank you”? It’s not social etiquette—it’s a perceived loss of agency.

These aren’t willful reactions. They are automatic, biological responses.

So let’s reframe it: This is not about behavior. This is not about oppositionality. This is about a body and brain doing exactly what they were designed to do—protect the person inside.

“This Kid Doesn’t Know Their Place”

Let’s talk about the thing no one wants to say out loud, but nearly every adult thinks at some point when working with or parenting a PDA child:

“This kid doesn’t seem to know the social order of things.”

They talk back. They correct you. They argue everything. They act like an authority on everything from bedtime to your own emotions. And when you set a boundary, they might look at you like you’ve lost your mind.

But here’s the deal: PDA children don’t recognize social hierarchies the way most neurotypical people do.

Kristy Forbes, an autistic advocate and educator in Australia, writes beautifully about this. She explains how PDAers don’t automatically respect someone just because they have a title, a credential, or a higher spot on the family or social ladder. Respect is relational, not positional. It has to be mutual. Earned. Felt.

And for kids with a PDA profile, the traditional “power-over” model—where adults are in charge and kids are expected to comply—doesn’t just feel unfair. It feels unsafe.

So when a parent says to me, “My kid doesn’t respect me!” what I hear is, “My child doesn’t feel safe in a hierarchical relationship.”

This is a child whose nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety. And social hierarchy doesn’t register as safety—it registers as a threat.

So What Are We Supposed to Do?

That’s the question I get all the time from parents and professionals alike. Because when the old tools don’t work, and the new ones feel too permissive or confusing, we hit this very human place of: "Help. I don’t know what I’m doing."

Here’s where I come in with some nervous system science, a whole lot of empathy, and a shift in perspective.

✨ These kids are not trying to overpower us. They’re trying to avoid being overpowered.

That’s it. That’s the reframe.

They are wired for equity, autonomy, and nervous system protection. When we try to assert authority without the relationship, when we demand respect without earning trust, when we enforce structure without flexibility—we get resistance. Every. Single. Time.

But when we:

• Regulate ourselves first (because safety is contagious),

• Prioritize connection over correction,

• Offer collaboration instead of compliance,

• Share power instead of hoarding it,

… we get access. Access to their trust. Their humor. Their brilliance. Their wild, curious, creative minds.

And yeah, it’s not easy. Especially for adults who were raised to believe that obedience = respect, and respect = love. We have to unlearn a lot. It can feel disorienting, even threatening. But PDA kids are here to teach us something incredibly powerful:

Relationship beats power. Every time.

Final Thoughts (From Your Friendly Neighborhood Therapist)

PDA kids don’t “know their place” because their place isn’t below anyone.

Their place is beside us.

And when we stop trying to push them back into the traditional hierarchy—and start walking with them in partnership—we create the safety they’ve been seeking all along.

So the next time you feel flabbergasted, disrespected, or straight-up rejected by a PDA child, try this instead:

Take a breath. Soften your voice. Lower your posture. Get curious.

“You’re not being difficult. You’re trying to feel safe.”

And that’s something we can work with.

Want to learn more about PDA, nervous system safety, and reframing “challenging behavior”? Here are some of my go-to resources, blending professional insights with powerful lived experience:

🧠 Core Resources

🔹 Kristy Forbes – inTune PathwaysAn autistic advocate, parent coach, and thought leader on PDA, trauma, and social hierarchies. Her work beautifully reframes power struggles into opportunities for co-regulation and connection.

🔹 Robyn Gobbel – robingobbel.comRobyn's work makes polyvagal theory accessible, compassionate, and deeply useful for parents and professionals.

Start with:

• 👉 What Behavior Really Is: A Story the Body is Telling

• 👉 Polyvagal Theory Made Simple

🔹 The PDA Society (UK)An excellent hub for understanding the PDA profile. Offers explainer guides, parenting tips, and downloadable PDFs for families, schools, and clinicians.

🔹 NeuroClasticA collective of neurodivergent writers. Search “PDA” to find first-person articles from autistic PDAers—raw, real, and necessary for widening our empathy lens.

🖼️ Books, Graphics & Visual Tools

📘 Me and My PDA by Glòria Durà-Vilà & Tamar LeviA therapeutic storybook that helps kids understand their own PDA experience. Gorgeous illustrations and neuroaffirming language.

📗 The Panda on PDA by Kay Al-GhaniA colorful, metaphor-rich graphic novel perfect for helping children—and adults—grasp the core dynamics of PDA.

🎨 Sally Cat’s PDA ResourcesAn autistic PDAer and illustrator, Sally Cat offers comics, infographics, and friendly visuals that explain PDA in ways that are clear, funny, and compassionate.

📚 PDA by PDAers – Edited by Sally CatA moving, affirming collection of writings from people with PDA. Essential for understanding how autonomy, masking, and social expectation impact real lives.

🧑‍🎤 Harry Thompson – PDA ExtraordinaireAuthor of The PDA Paradox, Harry is a witty, irreverent PDAer whose talks and writings will challenge everything you thought you knew about “noncompliance.” Don’t miss his videos and blog posts

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com

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