When I was learning to be a Play Therapist, I studied the works of a leader in the field named Dr. Garry Landreth. As soon as I saw him on a training video, he had all of my attention. I soaked up everything I could to learn more from him. To me, he was my grown up version of Mr. Rogers with a bonus Texas accent. His teachings really spoke to me and inspired my approach to therapy with children.
A cool side effect of learning play therapy is it helps with parenting as well. Dr. Landreth has “Rules of Thumb” for Play Therapists that can be easily altered to support parenting during these extraordinary times. The Coronavirus has changed so much of our everyday lives and we are still making adjustments to finding a good balance in everyday living. Some of these tips can help.
Focus on the donut, not the hole. We all know that we should focus on the positives and not the negatives of everyday life. But what is even better for kiddos is when we verbalize and notice when things are going well. Tell your quaranteamates when you see the strengths in your family and around your home in daily activities. Notice when a child self initiates her e-learning, and tell them you are impressed when they show initiative. Tell them that they rocked staying quiet (or quieter than last time) during your Zoom meeting even though you know they wanted to see you. Make it a point to notice the good stuff, it helps create feelings of security.
Try not to change everything at once. Families are going through loads of change right now, so try to keep consistency where you can. Simple things can stay the same (we wake and brush teeth, make beds, and eat healthy breakfasts, dress for the day, and try to keep healthy bedtimes). Now isn't the time to do all the projects and start all the special online classes, or take all the exercise classes, or try all the new meals. We all have to make adjustments, just not all at once!
If you can’t say it in 10 words or fewer, don't say it. If your child is under 11 years old, long and theoretical discussions make them feel confused or anxious. If they ask questions about big concerns like Coronavirus (and they will continue to ask questions) or recent job losses, remember to answer with simple and concrete answers when and where you can. Kids mostly are wanting to feel safe when they ask questions. End with focusing on what we are all actively doing (washing hands, staying home, wearing masks on essential errands) to keep each other safe.
Be the thermostat, not the thermometer. The thermostat in the home regulates the temperature of the house. The job of the thermostat is to keep a steady temperature. A thermometer reflects what it feels and escalates and de-escalates as a reaction to reading. I know it's easy to react to children’s emotions with our own emotions, but that is not what is needed or helpful right now. When your kiddo tantrums or shows big feelings try to be the steady tool to help them regulate. If you find that you are rising with the child’s escalation, take a break or walk away until you can help be the stabilizer. Visualizing what is needed brings stability to the emotions of the home.
Don't try to teach a child to swim while they are drowning. A child or teen experiencing overwhelming feeling is not the time to try to teach them new cognitive coping skills. When a kiddo is “in the soup” of their feelings, it's best to just reflect the feelings you hear and see (“I can see you are super frustrated”, “I can tell you are really sad and miss your friends” ,“things really do feel unfair right now”). Focus on what the young person is feeling, not the logic or lack thereof, not the behavior from the feeling. There will be time to come back and deal with those things later. Tantrums are just expressions of feeling overwhelmed. Help the child decompress and gain some footing on their feelings. If a child is in distress you can remind them of coping skills they already use (deep breathing, calming movements, cuddling a friendly pet) but now is not the time to teach journalizing or meditation if the child doesn't already know the technique. Children in active distress cannot learn new skills. Learning happens when minds are open, not in survival mode.
It's not so important what you did, but what you did after what you did that really matters. We all lose our temper. We all have bad moments and days. We may allow ourselves to be sucked into a child’s temper or act in ways we would rather not. It happens. But what really matters is what we do after we have come back from the regrettable incident. Apologies work. Sincere remorse for our poor actions can go a long way in relationship repair and “joining” a child or family member. When you model remorse, your child learns that love exists even where anger shows up. Show your family how you want to receive apologies and teach them to offer trustworthy apologies by simply stating “I’m sorry for yelling” or “I’m not proud of the things I said that hurt you. I am really sorry I said that”.
We cannot give away those which do not possess. I’m sure you’ve heard similar sayings. “Can't pour from an empty cup” or “can't squeeze blood from a turnip.” The same thing goes for offering calm and peace of mind and security to your family. You cannot give your family peace if you don't have peace yourself. We, as parents, have to lean on our strengths and activities that give us peace. Is it religious foundations? Is it your own therapy? Is it your tried and true exercise or meditation? Your own self care is essential right now so please fill up with healthy courageous hopeful activities that give you peace and strength to pass along.
For more about parenting from Garry Landreth, check out Child Parent Relationship Training (Routledge, 2006).
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