The Secret Life of the Transition Meltdown

Dear Caregivers,

If you've ever picked your child up from school or transitioned them from one home to another, only to be met with a meltdown, withdrawal, or behavior that seems wildly out of proportion, you're not alone. What you're witnessing might be something called resistance collapse.

Children often hold it together through long, structured days. They work hard to stay regulated, compliant, and socially appropriate at school or in one home, especially if there's tension, change, or emotional undercurrents they're navigating. But eventually, their nervous systems run out of bandwidth. When they finally land in what feels like a "safe" space — often right after school or during transitions between households — all that bottled-up emotion spills out. So lets put some language to it so we can reduce the frustration and shame and blame that comes with the territory.

Resistance Collapse is especially common after school. For neurodivergent kids — those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or AuDHD (autism + ADHD) — transitions can be particularly jarring. The mental load of masking, sensory overwhelm, and social performance can be massive. Even what seems like a simple change in setting or expectation can trigger a total nervous system shutdown or eruption.

It can look like:

• Explosive anger over small things

• Refusal to follow simple directions

• Tears, shutdowns, or complete withdrawal

• Over-the-top defiance or clinginess

  
  

(Side note: If this sounds familiar, it's because many adults experience their own version of resistance collapse after work — ever snapped at your partner for asking what’s for dinner, or found yourself inexplicably grumpy at the grocery store? Yep. Same nervous system.)

This collapse is not manipulation. It’s not a failure of parenting. It's the nervous system saying, "I can't hold all this anymore."

When I was small, I would have a difficult time returning to my mother's from parenting time with my father since their homes operated so differently. It was an adjustment for sure. I did not have the language, nor did my parents have the understanding, that emotional resistance collapse is a normal nervous system response (it was the '80s, it was a wild time). My mother was so frustrated with why I was always "acting out" when I came back from my father's house. I felt ashamed and confused by my strong feelings of upheaval and irritation and did not know why I was acting so angry.

On the flip side of it, as a stepparent I had front row seats to watching the resistance collapse from my own stepchild. She did not act out, but was withdrawn for a while after exchanges. We allowed her time alone without a barrage of questions or launching into chores. She would emerge after her nervous system adjusted and when she felt ready. What we learned was that space and predictability were far more effective than pressure or correction.

I know how incredibly frustrating this can be. You wait all day to see your child, and what you get feels like a storm instead of a connection. Or you're trying to help them adjust to a new routine, and instead of cooperation, you get chaos. It's exhausting. It's heartbreaking. And for kids, it can be terrifying to lose control of themselves in front of the people they love most.

So what helps?

1. Front-Load Transitions Predictability soothes the nervous system. Try saying things like:

• "When I pick you up today, we'll have a snack and quiet time before we talk."

• "After school, we go home, change clothes, and do something cozy."

• "Tomorrow you go to Mom's/Dad's house, so tonight we'll pick three things you want to bring."

2. Normalize the Release Let them know it’s okay to fall apart with you:

• "It makes sense that you held it in all day. I'm here now."

• "You're not in trouble for feeling overwhelmed."

• "Your feelings are safe with me."

3. Co-Regulate Together Help them co-regulate:

• Use grounding: soft lighting, warm blanket, a fidget or stuffed animal

• Offer choice: "Would you rather talk, draw, or just sit with me?"

• Stay calm and anchored yourself (even if they aren’t)

4. Use Gentle, Clear Language Avoid: "You were fine a minute ago!" or "Why are you acting like this?" Try:

• "That was a big day, wasn’t it?"

• "Looks like a lot is coming up right now. Want to tell me, or should we just sit for a bit?"

• "Sometimes our feelings wait until we're home to come out."

  
  

Age-Specific Examples

• Preschoolers (3–5): May throw tantrums or regress in behavior after school or parenting transitions. Offer a snack, a hug, and a story to reset.

• Elementary (6–10): Might complain, cry, or act defiant about small tasks. Give them space and check in gently once they’ve calmed.

• Tweens (11–13): Could isolate in their rooms or lash out verbally. A soft knock on the door with, “I’m here when you’re ready” goes a long way.

• Teens (14+): May become sarcastic, irritable, or emotionally shut down. Respect their need for downtime but remain open and consistent.

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And finally, give it time. Recovery from resistance collapse often takes longer than you think. It's okay if your child needs space, stillness, or comfort before they can return to their usual self. Trust that, with patience and presence, they'll get there.

You are not failing if this is happening. In fact, the fact that your child lets go in your presence means something powerful: they trust you to hold what they can no longer carry.

Further Reading & Expert Insights

If you'd like to dive deeper into understanding resistance collapse and emotional regulation in children, here are some trusted resources from experts:

• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson — on integrating brain science into parenting.

• Beyond Behaviors by Mona Delahooke, PhD — a neurodiversity-affirming approach to understanding behavior.

• The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene — helpful especially for kids who struggle with transitions and flexibility.

• The work of Dr. Becky Kennedy (@drbeckyatgoodinside) — especially her Instagram content and podcast.

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With deep respect for all you're holding,

-Alexa

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com