Dreaming About Leaving Your Marriage For An Affair? Let’s Have a Conversation First.

Dear You,

So you have found yourself in an affair. Thank you for trusting me with this. It means something big that you’d let me see this part of your story. Affairs are heavy with feeling—and shame—and confusion—and I want you to know, right here at the beginning, I don’t think you’re a bad person.

But I do think this is a moment that asks for deep honesty. The kind of honesty that makes your stomach turn a little but also sets you free.

You told me you’re in an affair. You said you’re thinking of leaving your marriage to be with this person. You said you feel more alive than you’ve felt in years. And I believe you.

But now I’m going to say some things that you might not want to hear—but I hope you’ll let them land anyway. Because I care too much to just nod and smile while you rewrite your life based on what might be a chemical high and a reflection of your unmet needs.

First: This feeling is real. But it may not be what you think it is.

Your brain is flooded right now—dopamine from the pursuit and reward, adrenaline from the secrecy and risk, and oxytocin from the intimacy. It’s a neurochemical storm that mimics love almost perfectly.

The problem is, it feels like truth. Like clarity. Like fate. But it's not built in the light of day. It hasn’t been tested in disappointment, dishes, sick kids, or grief. And what feels like “home” might just be a holiday from your real life.

So before you burn that life down, ask:

Am I in love with them—or with who I get to be when I’m with them?

Second: The marriage may be hurting—but that doesn’t mean the affair is healing.

You’re allowed to be disappointed. To be lonely. To feel forgotten in your own home.But let’s tell the truth: Cheating isn’t caused by bad marriages. It’s caused by decisions we make to soothe pain without speaking it.

Your marriage may need to end. That’s possible. But leaving in the middle of an affair is like jumping off one boat and landing on another before you’ve learned how to swim.

Pause long enough to figure out who you are without either person filling in the blanks.

Third: The version of you who’s come alive is precious. But it doesn’t belong to them.

This affair may have awakened the part of you that feels sexy, desired, vibrant, interesting. And that matters. But don’t give them credit for your own rebirth.

You can reclaim your aliveness. You can be bold and seen and open. But if you think this person is the source of it, you may chain your transformation to something fleeting.

Fourth: Shame will lie to you.

It will tell you that you don’t deserve healing because of what you’ve done.It will say you’re selfish, broken, beyond repair.

Don’t buy it.

You are not your worst mistake, but you are responsible for it. And responsibility is how we find dignity again.

As Brené Brown says: you can heal from pain—even the pain you cause. But only if you face it. Name it. And refuse to hide from it.

Finally: Love asks for light. Not shadows.

If you’re going to rebuild a life—with your spouse, or with someone else—it can’t be built on secrecy and escape. It has to be built on truth.

So I want to ask you to slow down. Not out of fear. But out of respect for how much is at stake. I’m not saying stay married if it’s dead. I’m saying: don’t let this be the way it ends.

Do the work. Talk to a therapist. Journal like your soul depends on it. Ask better questions.

And then—when your eyes are clear, when your feet are steady, when the storm has passed—you can make the next decision from love, not longing.

I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to hold up a mirror. You’re still good. You’re still whole. You still have choices.

Let this chapter change you, yes. But don’t let it define you.

With love—and truth,

Me

Inspired by the works of Janis Abrahms Spring, Shirley Glass, Jimmy Knowles, Brené Brown, and Esther Perel, and Mary Pipher

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com