Last Saturday I took mindful steps to be with and play with my kids. We went to a fun local spot and played in the water and enjoyed our favorite activities. Water is healing for me. I play best in the water. I heal best in the water. I relax best in the water. Later that day when I looked at social media I saw it was #nationalrainbowbabyday, a day to celebrate rainbow babies. It was a bittersweet jolt that sent me to the familiar deep dive into the complicated feelings attached to loss, life, birth and motherhood.
What are rainbow babies? They are the babies that are born to a mother after she faces miscarriage or stillbirth. They are the “rainbow” after the storm of pain and loss that comes with the experience of a loss of a child through miscarriage or stillbirth. When I had my miscarriage, it was a brutally painful time for me. I had already had two children who were 3 and 18 months at the time. It was Christmas and I realized my period was late. I took the test and saw the positive result and felt so many varied feelings. I remember thinking this was terribly timed because I was scheduled to go back to work after a year of maternity leave. My husband and I had decided that two children would be plenty to keep us busy. Another child was definitely not the plan.
But as one does, I came around to the idea of this new family member. The hormones kicked in and I made my peace and began the familiar planning out how this new shift was going to go. When we went to the 7-week appointment, the ultrasound looked good, but the technician said there was something she could not make out. She consulted with the doctor and asked me to come back in 2 weeks. They did not seem worried, so I did not worry. I was actually glad I was going to get another chance to see the peanut in two weeks.
Two weeks passed and we went back for the ultrasound. Everything was big enough at that point to make out what the earlier ultrasound had hinted. The baby had not planted in a normal, safe position. They said we would need to monitor the next few weeks. They now had my full attention. What a helpless feeling to know something might be harming my baby right inside my body and I could not do anything. I was to come back in two weeks to monitor the growth and see if the baby continued to grow. While I was worried, I really believed it would all work out. I talked to the baby. I sang to the baby. Our survival theme song was “Hang on Sloopy.” I sang and swayed to the ill planted baby to encourage shifts and progress.
But it was not to be. By week 13 it was apparent Sloopy was not hanging on. By week 14 my sweet doctor told me the baby's heart had stopped. My husband and I cried and mourned in confusion. My brother and sister in law came to take care of us through our loss. I had my DNC the following week and went home to recover for the weekend with my sister to help as well.
The next few weeks were rough. Several friends had pregnancy announcements. That was a complicated time being happy for them and sad that I would now be around babies the same age as what my baby would be. I mourned very differently than my husband. I struggled with the guilt of not initially being thrilled with the pregnancy. I had irrational thoughts and feelings that because I did not treasure the gift that I was given, the gift was taken away. I blamed myself for mistakes I might have made that contributed to my miscarriage. I wondered if the powers that be thought I was not a good enough mother. These are all very common experiences for women experiencing pregnancy loss. Although my husband and I struggled a bit in communicating our different grief with each other, we persevered together. I am so grateful for our strong communication. I mourned the passing of the planned delivery day. I mourned the anniversary of that positive pregnancy test . I mourned the one year anniversary of the no-longer-beating heart. It was an in-person, in-your-face lesson that“the body remembers” trauma. (You can read more about “traumaversaries” here https://www.alexagtherapy.com/post/happy-traumaversary)
Yet there was good news. The pregnancy loss helped me realize I did want another baby, after all. I was lucky to get pregnant 4 months after my miscarriage. I was a bit more cautious this time around. I did not tell a soul besides my husband and best friend until 12 weeks. I did not tell my employers until I was closer to 20 weeks. I was happy to be pregnant, but still mourning a loss. I was pregnant when September came, the expected delivery date of my baby. I visited with the babies born around the same time with mixed, complicated feelings. When I held those babies I cried, overwhelmed by grief but grateful for this new life growing inside me. Rainbow pregnancies are full of complicated and conflicting feelings.
But rainbow BABIES are not. My baby came a week early. Contractions started while I was at work and increased so fast! I was a school counselor at the time, and the receptionist had to drive me 25 minutes to the hospital to meet my husband! The baby came very quickly but was healthy and strong. He was beautiful with a fuzzy head and a pouty mouth. I was now the mother of 3 boys.
Raising my rainbow baby was different than raising the older two. My style of parenting was more laid back. I focused less on milestones and more on connection and attachment. He was a more relaxed baby and I was a more relaxed mama. My job status changed so we were able to spend a lot of sweet time together. My rainbow baby came out of a sorrow that was deeper than I ever realized a miscarriage could bring. And he makes me laugh out loud every single day. He is a jokester, a clever clogs, curious as all get out, and a kind soul. He is the bright and sparkling beacon of hope that rainbows are known to be. He would not be here if my lost child had lived. Some doors must shut so that others can open.
I discovered and adopted this quote from Gautama Buddha as my mantra: “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” “Sloopy” was not meant for me. My rainbow baby taught me to let go.
I share my story to help others in the same place. It's still painful almost 13 years later. But you do learn to live with the sorrow and sometimes being ambushed by sadness. You learn to cope using spiritual guidance, friendship support, or therapy, or all of these. Just know you're not alone. If you are struggling with deep emotions including grief from your own miscarriage, and or complicated feelings with your rainbow pregnancy, please reach out to me.
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed mental health therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office.
Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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