These are some trying times to be sure. We have had to make multiple life adjustments to cope with a complete reorganization of our work and home lives. We have plenty of new stressors (and ever-present smaller humans for those of us with children) in our homes that we did not have three months ago, and many of us have to keep on truckin’. Loads of us are exhausted learning how to work from home, teach 5th-grade math, 8th-grade science, high school Latin, and deal with unemployment issues or health issues that we have never faced before. During these trying times, it can be super easy to take our partner for granted. When we are overwhelmed we risk skipping the loving and supportive extra steps we normally take for our spouse. And right now we may feel like our spouse has taken us for granted. So I ask you, “How is your marriage holding up?”
Stress, like we have today, is bound to affect your relationships. It is odd to think that you might be together all the time now and still feel distant from your partner or just plain lonely. Being with someone does not always equal really being with someone. What helps to bring couples together? Play! It sounds simple but…
Play may be fun and healthy, but unfortunately, it is not especially popular with the couples I know. Even though play is intensely pleasurable, eases our burdens, and inspires optimism, today’s society values hard work and extreme competitiveness; qualities which spoil the true joy found through play. If and when couples engage in play, it is usually through competitive sports, expensive technology, or structured activities. Today there are always rules to our play; rules that squelch creativity that is vital to working through anxiety and stress.
When we were children, our play did not require planning, extensive rules, waivers, expensive equipment, leagues, corporate sponsors or overuse of alcohol to enjoy. We danced, acted out plays, and we drew. We threw tea parties, swam, swung, played tag, ran, laughed, and played pretend with costumes and sticks that magically turned into swords. We built towers and creations with Legos, we made tents out of couch cushions and sheets and pretended that the floor is hot lava. We found complete joy in engaging in free play alone or with friends.
But the world of marriage tends to be serious business and it can feel like there is little opportunity to be playful. Couples usually see play as leisure time. When couples are engaged in play, the playtime is often used as a reward rather than viewed as a necessity. But there is abundant research showing humor and playfulness as healing and rejuvenating. Who among us couldn't use some rejuvenation?! The way we live our lives today is often draining. I get it, we are all tired. It is so tempting to binge another series so we don’t have to use our brains anymore in a day. But what if I told you that play is actually fulfilling? We deserve to fill our cups and connect with our partners in ways that are loving and fun. Play can bring joy and a genuine connection. So why is play an art lost on the “grown-up”? As a couple, we may engage in play with our children, but usually at the child’s level. We forget that It is just as important to play with your spouse on an adult level!
Do you remember being playful with your spouse when you dated? Can you think back and remember your most playful time with your spouse before marriage? I imagine most everyone had playful times while dating their spouse. Play helps build and foster intimacy. And here is the bonus: play helps maintain connection and intimacy. Play works because it is a nonverbal way to communicate feelings. Playing with your partner allows for deep connections. When we play, our walls come down. Our defenses fall. We feel less threatened as the emotional intensity decreases.
Do you know what you truly love to play?
Do you even remember what you like to play? Do you know what playful activity allows your significant other to experience true delight in their activities? I am not talking about social media games but rather those games requiring that you and your spouse are present to play. While online games and mobile word games have their place, they cannot be the sole source of playfulness for couples. To find truly connecting games, you must be able to make eye contact, touch, and verbalize, if appropriate.
If you have trouble remembering what you like to play, enjoy a visit to a local toy store with your spouse (sans children). Check out the board game aisle. You may still enjoy some of your old faves. I have been so pleased to see new breweries and coffee shops (such as https://www.booksnbrews.com/carmel, Sun King Carmel https://www.sunkingbrewing.com/spirits/ and Doughnuts and Dragons here locally) have begun to carry games for couples to play in the restaurant while out on a date. There are so many board games for adults and couples. If board games aren't your thing, remember card games require engaging and working together. You can even go outside and play! Even sporting games can do the trick. Play catch or “touch” football. There are romantic based games that can be purchased at most adult apparel stores if you fancy that sort of thing. You can even incorporate your partner’s “Love Language” into prizes! (If you are not familiar with Gary Chapman’s 5 Love languages, you can learn more here: www.5lovelanguages.com I highly recommend his books). For example, you may enjoy winning a night of acts of service such as your partner changing the diapers (yes, all the diapers) or you giving your partner an act of physical touch like a back massage that lasts more than 5 minutes.
Whatever the connection is that you both share through play, make it fun, make it a priority. Make it tonight!
*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a licensed mental health therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office.
Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com
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