When Your College Kid Comes Home and Everything Feels… Different

I’m on my second kid coming home from college now, and I can say this with confidence: even when you’ve done this before, there is still a transition period. Every time.

My husband and I are much more intentional about it now. Before breaks, we actually have to get on the same page about how we want to show up for our college boys, while still protecting the structure and rhythm for the two younger. The sibling relationships have to re-establish themselves too. Everyone has changed, just enough to notice.

And there’s this strange emotional mix I didn’t expect at first. I miss them so much when they’re away. I enjoy them immensely when they’re home. And yet, by the end of break, I’m also ready for them to return to the wild. Every trip home exposes new dynamics for us to face, and how we show up really does matter.

No one really prepares you for this part.

You expect your child to change when they leave for college. More independent. More tired. Maybe more opinionated. Definitely a different sleep schedule. What most parents don’t expect is how different it feels inside themselves when that child comes home.

The house is the same. The routines mostly hold. And yet something feels off. The old rhythm doesn’t quite work anymore. The familiar cues are gone. Everyone is slightly on edge, even if no one can quite explain why.

Psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour describes this season as a constant renegotiation. What may feel like a problem or even a failure is often just an in-between. A stretch of time where the relationship is reorganizing and everyone is adjusting on the fly.

When you look at it this way, the discomfort makes sense. For years, your child’s sense of safety came from proximity, predictability, and daily contact with you. College changes all of that at once. When they come home, both sides are quietly trying to figure out new answers to old questions. Who’s in charge now? What’s expected? What happens if I get this wrong?

This isn’t misbehavior, because all behavior makes sense. But it is an attachment transition.

Lisa is very clear that this stage gets much harder when parents make it personal. If your child calls their dorm “home,” it isn’t a rejection of you. If they seem distant, it isn’t indifference. If they sleep late, it isn’t a lack of respect. More often, it’s their system practicing independence while still wanting to know they belong.

Differentiation is an important developmental task for the teens, but can feel sharp on the receiving end, especially when you’ve spent years being the emotional center of their daily life. Our bodies may remember this feeling from our babies becoming toddlers when they now wanted to do everything "BY SELF!" But differentiation grows out of secure connection. It’s not a move away from attachment. It’s a shift within it.

One of Lisa’s most helpful reframes is thinking of your college kid as partly a roommate when they come home. You’re still the parent. The bond still matters deeply. But the day-to-day dynamic moves away from monitoring and toward shared responsibility.

That shift matters. Constant correction or hovering tends to put people into defense. Collaboration lowers tension. A roommate mindset gives everyone a workable structure without turning every interaction into a power struggle.

Roommates communicate about coming and going. They say whether they’ll be home for dinner. They respect shared space. They don’t disappear without a heads-up. And Lisa is quick to add that parents have to be good roommates too. That means no ambushing with questions, no quiet resentment, no emotional tension that makes the house feel unpredictable.

Your child may not say it out loud, but they are always asking one essential question when they come home. Am I safe here as I am now?

This is also where some parents get caught off guard. Your child may want to engage in some of the recreational activities they participated in at college. For many families, this becomes a tender and important conversation point.

Lisa’s guidance here isn’t about assuming the worst or avoiding the topic. It’s about clarity. Every family has different values, rules, and expectations, and this is a moment to name them explicitly. What’s allowed in your home. What’s not. What feels okay. What doesn’t. These conversations go best when they’re grounded in values rather than fear, and when they happen proactively instead of in the heat of the moment.

Clear expectations reduce confusion and defensiveness. Silence tends to create tension and crossed wires.

Jennifer Wallace’s work adds an important emotional layer here. As kids grow more independent, their sense of being valued can quietly wobble. Parents often reflect competence because that’s what stands out. "You’re handling so much." or "You’ve grown up." or "You’re managing this well."

All of that may be true. And kids also need to know they matter even when they’re tired, unsure, or not performing at their best.

When a college student comes home withdrawn, testing limits, or resting hard, they may not be asking for advice. They may be checking whether home is still a place where they can rest without being evaluated. Simple moments carry a lot of weight. Remember to also say "I’m really glad you’re here." and " I missed you" and "You don’t have to have it together at home."

Belonging makes independence feel safer.

Lisa also emphasizes that this stage requires more explicit communication than family life used to. Assumptions create friction. Clear, calm language lowers it. You don’t need a formal meeting. You need a reset that names the shift without blame. Something like, “We’re really happy you’re home. We’re all figuring out what living together looks like now. You’ve been living on your own, and you’re not in high school anymore, but this is still our house. We’ll probably hit some bumps, and when we do, we’ll figure them out together.”

That kind of clarity helps keep everyone out of fight-or-flight.

And yes, crossed wires are coming. Dinner plans will get misunderstood. Schedules won’t line up. Friends will arrive right when you thought you had family time. Siblings will need to renegotiate space and roles. These moments aren’t signs that you’re doing it wrong. They’re signs that expectations haven’t fully synced yet.

Dr. Becky’s work reminds us that what matters most in those moments is repair. Not getting it perfect. Repair sounds like, “That came out wrong,” or “Let’s reset,” or “I think we misunderstood each other.” Those small moments teach kids that relationships can stretch without snapping.

Lisa also names something many parents misread. She calls it hibernation. College is a long stretch of stress, novelty, pressure, and disrupted sleep. When kids come home and crash, that isn’t laziness. It’s recovery.

Let them sleep. Let them move slowly. Let them settle.

At the same time, it’s fair to name a few clear expectations. If you’re not eating dinner here, tell us so we don’t cook for you. We need you on the calendar for this family event. If plans change, just text. Clarity supports rest. Unspoken expectations undermine it.

Over time, something meaningful can emerge. You begin to meet your child more fully. You watch them think, decide, create, and grow. You start consulting them rather than managing them. The sibling system slowly finds a new balance. The family stretches, but it doesn’t break.

If this season feels awkward, tender, or emotionally activating, you’re not doing it wrong.

You’re staying connected while letting go of control. And that is not a small thing.

*Alexa Griffith, LMHC, LCAC, NCC, RPT is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist. Alexa enjoys providing individual counseling and family counseling. She also provides play therapy for children, as well as teen and adolescent counseling via telehealth or in office. Alexa's practice serves the Indianapolis area, including Carmel, Fishers, Noblesville, Zionsville, and Westfield. Learn more at AlexaGTherapy.com